I had this interesting thought or rather feeling the other day. I had this emptiness and this question in my head. Now what? Now what should I do with myself? A sudden feeling of I don’t know what is my next step, what should I look forward to.
Generally I was feeling well, quite good actually. All seemed to be in a good place in my life. I had made good progress on our apartment renovation, I have just finished my last essay which turned out to be alright, my health is mostly okay, my relationships is happy and developing, I read a lot, I managed to reduce some bad habits, pick up some new, good ones. There was nothing very urgent or important that I needed to handle right then, or that would constantly occupy my mind and would fill me with anxiety. It was a strange feeling. All is well, yet I felt something was missing. There were no fires to put out. So what do firefighters do when there is no fire? I asked.
I wondered, was this feeling in me because I was so used to being anxious or always having something to take care of that was occupying my mind that now that all seemed to be well, I didn’t know what I should be doing? There were no fires to put out. There were no emergencies, nothing that I need to do. So what now? What do I do with my time?
Then I realized, I could use this “free” time, “free” energy that I have now to actually create the things, pick up that project that I have been putting off for a very long time. This is especially beneficial, cause often the reason for my procrastination was actually the fact that I was mentally, emotionally overwhelmed. I was too busy in my head. It wasn’t business due to doing actually a lot of things, but rather overthinking, being scared, being on high alert for any reason.
Writing this essay I came across a piece on Substack, by Lloyd Kahn. He writes about becoming 89 years old and what is it like to be that age. In his essay he mentions a lot of things he did in his life: he was skateboarding at 83, ran races finishing quite high on the leader-board at the age of 54 and 65, still surfs with a knee-board, he has written books, and writes his Substack. I’m amazed how active he is
There are so many things that one can do in life. So many projects, activities. If I’m lucky enough and I take care of my health, I might have a chance to live that long, or at least close enough. That is so much time to do stuff. All the stuff. Just imagine, if I were to keep my habit of writing consistently, for my own journal and for the public as well, how much material I would create? How many stories, ideas, theories could I discover?
At the same time, I could be doing something completely different. I could start making music (which actually is on my list of things I want to create). The possibilities are endless.
My point is, the what is next, could be anything. The firefighter could do anything in its spare time. But maybe more importantly, this is true for the here and now. I can choose any project that interests me. The fact that, hopefully I have at least so much time in front of me as behind me is kind of liberating. I do not need to choose one single thing that occupies me. I do not need to choose the perfect activity that I will be doing for the rest of my life.
Even if I will live only a few more years, this mindset, this liberating thought that there is time and I can choose to do with it whatever I want is, I feel, a better way to look at the question of what is next.
All this reminded me of Simone de Beauvoir’s philosophy. Just like any other existentialist thinker, the core idea is that existence precedes essence. Meaning there is nothing given to us up front, no externally determined purpose for our lives. We can and actually should choose our own purpose and goals. And we do not need to choose one single thing, because that would mean we give up on a lot of other things that we could do.
This is a crude simplification of her thinking, but the main idea is to have projects for ourselves. Not one big goal, but projects to work on, striving to finish them and then going on to the next one. The projects could be anything, creating an art piece, building a carrier, caring for a happy and healthy family. These are our immediate goals, things that we work on day to day.
I think I will have to revisit her writing. I wonder how do I interpret it now, as compared to how I did maybe 8 years ago.
Getting back to the original feeling I had. What is this feeling really? Is it the fundamental need for meaning in us? Has it appeared, because all my basic needs, and some extra, were satisfied, so the craving for meaning and purpose could surface without any distractions? The requirement for something that drives us? Something that is bigger than the everyday, mundane activities. Something that answers the question of why?
I do believe this feeling was actually the manifestation of that need for meaning, for purpose. I suppose then, onto the next project, next essay, next idea.
Have you ever had something like this?
Until next time, take care.
Mátyás
