The night is old, but my mind is running around like a child. It feels the hope of tomorrow, but doesn’t weight on it the responsibility of any task. It is too late for those. Excitement pumps its veins for all the perfectly imagined art it will create and habits it will build. These plans are safe and protected in the imagination. There, they are never exposed to the harshness of the outside world. To all that disappointment, stress and twisted nature that comes with being born or growing up.
Apologies for any typos and for the sentences that do not make sense. I just had to finish this piece and let it out into the world. As it is often said done is better than perfect and I made my self a promise that I will write and post an essay and make a YouTube video by the end of this week. I struggled to get myself to be doing any of these. I just couldn’t figure out what I wanted to write about that actually meant something for me, that felt like something. I was full on writers block. So I played Wardogs, my recent obsession. Once I became hungry enough, I stopped playing and we started to do the mealprep for the week. By that time I decided I will let this one go and will try to write and make a video again next week. But then the first sentence, “the night is old, but my mind is running around like a child” popped into my head. So I wrote it down. Then I chewed on it a bit more. What does it mean? What happens next usually when my mind is like that? So came more sentences and more ideas and now here we are with a sort of something of a piece.
I don’t know what was the trigger. Letting go of the pressure of the promise made to myself? Maybe, the disappointment of breaking my promise was the monster that scared the idea out of the bushes of my mind? Or was it the lovely cooking that we started?
Either way I’m proud that I took to the keyboard when inspiration struck. This is a habit that I’m glad I have build over the last year. It was a conscious effort to form the habit of taking action immediately.
And this is how through the last week or so, many times, at night, when my mind was running around like a child, I did not wait, I wrote my thoughts down as quickly as I could. Even if I was already in bed, way past my supposed sleeping time, even if it meant that I won’t fall asleep before 2 or 3 am. And I’m glad I did,. I’m so glad, as these were some of my most honest, clear and inspired journal entries. They had zest and momentum.
The idea I’m slowly making my way towards is this: you have to be ready to take action when the muse whispers. And you need to create the right conditions for it to happen. But be aware, the specific conditions may be completely different to what others say. It might not be the strict morning routine, or the fixed, blocked in working hours that we planned ahead. We need to experiment or at least be vigilant to notice the patterns that might form. For me, it seems my mind produces better, more meaningful ideas at night. And at that time, it seems I’m calm enough that I could let go of the mundane, stressful tasks of the day that weight my consciousness down. I want to lean onto this. I want to let my mind run around and use that momentum to take action. Even though, this means I won’t get enough sleep, as the child, has to grow up too early and do grown up stuff. Hopefully with time, practice, success and some more experimentation, we will find a better way.
I know there are ideas here that I could and should expand on more. And it pains me that the piece is not whole or complete. But it is done, and that is a win for me. A win that I desperately needed.
The essay is heavily inspired by this article by The Creative Minority. My midnight writing sessions that felt like flow states and filled me with hope happened before finding their essay. Nonetheless, it kind of clarified and gave me permission to operate in a different fashion than that we often find in mourning routine advices.
Until next time, take care.
Mátyás
